We walked the aisle, said “I do” and stuffed cake in each other’s faces when I was 24.
I wasn’t 25 before realizing I had absolutely no idea how to be married.
I brought a lifetime of bad ideas and bloated expectations into this mysterious relationship, and the deeper we got into marriage, the more ridiculous some of my most basic assumptions proved to be. After slamming doors and shouting matches became regular hobbies, I knew I needed to put those expectations to the test.
My personal exploration hasn’t ended—and ideally never will. But here are a few things I’ve learned along the way that could save newlyweds at least a few hard days.
1. “Happily ever after” is a perk, not the point
Our modern obsession with being happy makes it easier to love the feeling of happiness more than the person beside us. And though happiness is often the byproduct of a healthy relationship, our culture’s fixation on personal fulfillment is so inflated that it keeps us from seeing one of the most beautiful purposes of marriage.
In Hebrew, the word used for marriage actually means “fire.” Not coincidentally, fire is also the element used throughout ancient Hebrew culture to represent personal reformation. In that light, marriage—and its necessary, often uncomfortable friction—is less about creating “happily ever after” and more about shaping us into something beautiful: our best and brightest selves in the hands of God.
2. The perks of marriage are incredible—but they take work
Many experts say young couples expect too much from marriage. But maybe it’s not what we expect, but how we expect to get it that leads to disappointment.
We walk the aisle, recite our vows and subconsciously expect marriage to be a genie in a bottle—freely dispensing lasting happiness, breathtaking intimacy and emotional safety. But you aren’t entitled to the benefits of love just because you put a ring on it. Those perks come only with intentional investment, humility and personal sacrifice.
The beauty of marriage is that the more you give, the more you find yourself changed by it.
3. Good consumers make bad lovers
The Hebrew word for love, ahava, has little to do with feelings or rewards. It’s a verb that means “I give.”
Love isn’t the fleeting butterflies we get when looking into the eyes of our spouse. It’s far simpler—and far wilder—than that. It’s the daily, deliberate, mundane but generous choices to give to one another. As we orient ourselves to this kind of love, we discover its beautiful paradox: The more we give, the more love grows.
4. Love is a journey—not a free fall
We talk about love as something we “fall” into, as if it’s effortless and inevitable. But true love isn’t gravity—it’s growth. It’s something we learn to build over time.
Trust takes time. Real companionship comes from years of conversation, conflict, laughter and forgiveness. The kind of romance that lasts doesn’t happen overnight—it’s cultivated over a lifetime of intention.
Love isn’t the spark at the beginning of the story. It’s the fire that’s still burning when the honeymoon phase fades.
5. Marriage isn’t just a choice—it’s a practice
“I do.”
With those two words, we make a choice to begin a lifelong process of learning how to give, value and care for another human being as much as we do ourselves. But marriage isn’t a one-time choice we make on our wedding day. It’s a choice we keep making, every single day.
A good friend once told me, “Marriage isn’t something you accomplished the day you said ‘I do.’ It’s an ongoing action of marrying your individual life—with all your thoughts, fears and strengths—to someone else’s.”
The words are simple. Living them out isn’t.
6. Marriage is designed to be priority No. 1
One of the most helpful pieces of advice I’ve received came from a rabbi who said, “All of your problems—financial, relational, emotional—come from not making your marriage your highest priority. The gains a couple will experience, both spiritually and materially, defy description once they make their marriage first place.”
It’s easy to let work, friends or hobbies take center stage. But the moment your spouse feels secondary, every other effort to show love starts to lose meaning. When your marriage is given its rightful place, it becomes the foundation for everything else—your peace, your purpose and your joy.
7. Your spouse isn’t the problem. You are.
It took me an embarrassing number of arguments to realize my wife’s “issues” were just mirrors reflecting my own.
This is what Solomon alludes to in Proverbs: “As in water, face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man.” Rabbi Shalom Arush said it even more plainly:
“You didn’t get married to correct your spouse. You got married to be corrected, by using your spouse as a mirror.”
It’s not a comfortable truth, but it’s one of the most freeing.
8. The world needs better lovers
Research shows that marriage—good or bad—shapes more than just two lives. It influences your spouse’s growth, your children’s development, your community’s health and even the economy. Marriage isn’t just a private arrangement between two people; it’s a social good.
Our world doesn’t need more millionaires or influencers or pastors or politicians—not primarily, anyway. What it needs are better lovers: husbands and wives committed to learning the unglamorous, sacred art of loving another person well.
Because when we learn to love each other like that, we don’t just transform a marriage. We transform the world.